4 april

boy told to be a man
boy did as he was told

always waiting
to be a boy again
a boy doing boy things
a man doing man things

later much later
the boy within his man eyes
looking at his white whiskers
realizing there is no more waiting
there is no time left for
boy things

boy has died a man

Blind as a bat today.

Got up and went to the bank, girl at the atm could have asked me for anything, I would have given it to her. I was driving by Burlingt@n Coat Factory, stoped to see if they had any good hoodys, holy fuck, everything had some kind of print or some kind of shit on it, awful shit.Then I went grocery shopping, much flirting to be had, wasn't really in the mood. Asked the girl in the dairy section where the Black eyed peas might be, on tour she said. Onion bagels, chive cream cheese, yeah baby! Yaki soba something noodles, hot sausage, Raviolis, green beans(dogs), Chili cheese Fritos(my crack), cole slaw, bag of cuties--good to go.The Smoothie place was next, infested with annoying women in work out outfits, best to ignore. Taking the girls out for a walk now. One more week before GF comes home, it's been a long month. Fuck forgot asprin!

can't be that hard

I've been trying to gain some perspective, I imagine this is coming from seeing a little light on the other side of a broken heart that's left me a little bare. I feel striped down, left for dead at the side of the road with no map.. Trying to view it logically it's not like a project I can scrap and start over, my soul I mean. If I stop feeding it the way I have can it be clean again? If I stop picking the scabs off will it heal shiny and glistening? My dreams have changed, I now long to live a very simple life, happy content, God what I would give to be content. I would love to think from A to B to C, but I'm not wired that way. All fragmentation gone, just one me, wouldn't that be lovely. I'm not stupid, I know the world is an ugly place but I see people who find the beauty in it, I want to be one of those people. Perspective, can you spare some?

dreaming on the inside

I can't seem to fix all the windows, every time I fix one, they come back and break another. Like zombies in a bad movie, never ending, except unlike zombies they wanna talk and taunt. It's not my ground floor apartment, it's my ex-wife's, she's not home. My worry in fixing the windows is her safety, I have guilt. Eventually she comes home and says," oh don't worry about it." She gets into bed and three of them bust through the window, I chase them out the window and between some buildings, a bat hits me in the mouth. My mouth is now full of blood and teeth and I make my way down the street in an amalgamation of every shit hole part of a city I've ever been in. I hold my ribs, one is broken sticking out, blood shining slick, black in the street lights, my father approaches. I'm uncomfortable, I don't want to talk to him, but the look on his face when he asks if he can help makes me feel bad and I give in. We go to a store front, it looks like an old lady's curio shop, we have to crawl in through a small window. He's embarrassed as we crawl through and explains that it's owned by an old Japanese woman and he's like the night security guard in exchange for sleeping there. Everything is pale pink and beige, I'm trying very hard to be careful and not get blood on anything, not to ruin the illusion of the decor. The embarrassment in my fathers voice as he rambles on is like a wall of sound I want to silence. I see a back door and walk towards it, as I reach for the handle it pops open and a woman is standing there,looks like Pam Grier, her hands hold my face as she gives me a long firm kiss and I can hear her voice in my head, " it's alright, it's alright."
I wake 4:51am, it all makes sense to me but I feel a little shaken. The dogs and I go outside and have a smoke. I need some soul floss.

GF's sometimes save U from yourself

I met a girl the other evening
lovely as lovely can be
dark dancing eyes
sexy as sexy can be
six feet in her heels
she made me laugh
as clever and funny as she was beautiful
instant chemistry, the kind that can kill you
with a smile on your face
she licked the tattoo on my forearm
then kissed my hand to say goodbye
I watched her walk away
tattoed in old letters btw her shoulder blades
...whore...
slayed was I

can't always fight it

my lip splitting

the taste of my own blood

the taste of your blood - my mouth

warm inviting

the violence of your touch

like a warm caress

I'm at home here

not always well adjusted

thats not how I was bred

my comfort zone

i wanna hold your hand

sick

At first it's like warm sweet sticky ice cream dripping down the side of your hand

so close you can smell her sweet breath

Her eyes unflinching as they look into yours

getting lost in the moment

Taking in the lovely skin that wraps around her face her throat

the neverending lovelyness of her black hair

it would feel like heaven brushing across your body

The small side to side movement of her bottom lip tells you to take a taste

and it all changes

Now it's like carnage against a back drop of a slow motion train wreck

bones breaking hearts breaking blood flowing staining

Changing the course of your life for one sweet kiss

one taste of new flesh

You've been here before, you know better

walk away

ignore the biting of the pouty bottom lip as you walk away

just walk away

she knows not what she asks

I know what I do