Thursday, January 21, 2010
My girl pushes, I agree.
I avoid myself in the mirror as I shave.
I dress cool but I don't feel cool.
I go there so others can see me and talk about my art, feels like a joke.
I trust my girl, so I pretend to be interested, another time I might be.
The Viper catches me alone as she does, "I want you to fuck me like my mommy doesn't love me." she whispers in my ear. I walk away, I begin to think this is why she keeps trying to get my attention. She's a vampire, hate her.
I don't want to talk anymore, but the vodka helps a little.
I want to go home and hang out with the dogs, we leave, I smile for a moment.
Friday, January 15, 2010
I didn't see it coming, it snuck up behind me and filled me full of black, life sucking, dull razor blade filled slimy bad. I haven't felt this way in years, I'm walking through it, I have a lot of experience taking this walk, but I'm having trouble getting to the other side. Wide open yet completely shut down. Satan herself came for the holidays (minus her meds) and reminded me from where my gene pool originates, hired killers, sadists, perverts of the worst kind, just all out chaotically insane people who know nothing more than how to shred souls. Although I should be happy this has ended with me, if I'm not in the right frame of mind when I'm reminded of this, I sink. The only thing keeping me from inhaling the black mass is that I know this to shall pass and I will be better for it on the other side. I'm paralyzed inside as I walk, as I interact with others, as I wake. I'm withering away in my cathedral of hate,sadness, pity, and doubt, I hate myself. It's at these times meds seem like a good idea but I really don't like the idea, as much as I am filled with this immense self loathing and need a break, I don't want to loose any tiny part of the good. I don't know, but I'm shure it will come to me it always does.