Thursday, March 25, 2010

Blind as a bat today.

Got up and went to the bank, girl at the atm could have asked me for anything, I would have given it to her. I was driving by Burlingt@n Coat Factory, stoped to see if they had any good hoodys, holy fuck, everything had some kind of print or some kind of shit on it, awful shit.Then I went grocery shopping, much flirting to be had, wasn't really in the mood. Asked the girl in the dairy section where the Black eyed peas might be, on tour she said. Onion bagels, chive cream cheese, yeah baby! Yaki soba something noodles, hot sausage, Raviolis, green beans(dogs), Chili cheese Fritos(my crack), cole slaw, bag of cuties--good to go.The Smoothie place was next, infested with annoying women in work out outfits, best to ignore. Taking the girls out for a walk now. One more week before GF comes home, it's been a long month. Fuck forgot asprin!

Friday, March 19, 2010

can't be that hard

I've been trying to gain some perspective, I imagine this is coming from seeing a little light on the other side of a broken heart that's left me a little bare. I feel striped down, left for dead at the side of the road with no map.. Trying to view it logically it's not like a project I can scrap and start over, my soul I mean. If I stop feeding it the way I have can it be clean again? If I stop picking the scabs off will it heal shiny and glistening? My dreams have changed, I now long to live a very simple life, happy content, God what I would give to be content. I would love to think from A to B to C, but I'm not wired that way. All fragmentation gone, just one me, wouldn't that be lovely. I'm not stupid, I know the world is an ugly place but I see people who find the beauty in it, I want to be one of those people. Perspective, can you spare some?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

dreaming on the inside

I can't seem to fix all the windows, every time I fix one, they come back and break another. Like zombies in a bad movie, never ending, except unlike zombies they wanna talk and taunt. It's not my ground floor apartment, it's my ex-wife's, she's not home. My worry in fixing the windows is her safety, I have guilt. Eventually she comes home and says," oh don't worry about it." She gets into bed and three of them bust through the window, I chase them out the window and between some buildings, a bat hits me in the mouth. My mouth is now full of blood and teeth and I make my way down the street in an amalgamation of every shit hole part of a city I've ever been in. I hold my ribs, one is broken sticking out, blood shining slick, black in the street lights, my father approaches. I'm uncomfortable, I don't want to talk to him, but the look on his face when he asks if he can help makes me feel bad and I give in. We go to a store front, it looks like an old lady's curio shop, we have to crawl in through a small window. He's embarrassed as we crawl through and explains that it's owned by an old Japanese woman and he's like the night security guard in exchange for sleeping there. Everything is pale pink and beige, I'm trying very hard to be careful and not get blood on anything, not to ruin the illusion of the decor. The embarrassment in my fathers voice as he rambles on is like a wall of sound I want to silence. I see a back door and walk towards it, as I reach for the handle it pops open and a woman is standing there,looks like Pam Grier, her hands hold my face as she gives me a long firm kiss and I can hear her voice in my head, " it's alright, it's alright."
I wake 4:51am, it all makes sense to me but I feel a little shaken. The dogs and I go outside and have a smoke. I need some soul floss.