Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I was driving to work and spied a head in the street, a Halloween decoration, hair matted on a fleshy skull.
It reminded me of when I saw my first severed head, I've seen two. I was six walking down the street with
my grandmother when an accident happened 15 or 20 feet ahead of us, a bus, a car, and a person. As we approached
the gathering crowd you could see feet sticking out between the bus and the car, blood, and stuff that looked like
hamburger bits and strawberry soda. My grandmother pulled me behind her as she talked to another woman blocking my view.
Thinking about what I saw, the angle of the feet, the bus, the car, logically made me think I should look under the bus,
so I did.There it was a head, or what was left of a head, you could make out a moustache, an eye, some hair, and Lot's of
blood and hamburger. I yanked on my grandmothers hand to tell her what I saw, but she shushed me, I waited a moment and
yanked again, and was shushed again. Very loudly, as loud as a six year old can be with out yelling, "Grandmother there
is a head under the bus!" She shrieked and picked me up and started walking away from the scene. My grandmother is very
sweet has far as I'm concerned, she's always treated me the way a grandmother should. Sometimes I think about the whole
family though, my grandfather who adored her till the day he died, he was like a very large Cary Grant. Once he lost
all the weight and was a healthy Cary Grant, he was doing something he loved for a living, but my grandmother didn't think
it would keep her in the life style she so desired so she told him to quit,he did and gained all his weight back, not good.
I look at her three kids, my father, my uncle #1, and my other uncle #2. My father, with whom I speak to very little, a tattooed
shell of a man, someone who has lived a very rough life by choice and is now paying for it as a pathetic old man. Uncle #1 Married
four times, alcoholic, 2 of his 3 kids in jail, not very happy, but my favorite. Uncle #3 has lived near or with his parents his
whole life, has had very few girl friends and has been a physical mess for the last 25 years, we've never gotten along. There
entire youth was centered around my grandmother and how much my grandfather adored her. I guess I'm lucky that my grandparents
adored me and I missed out on what ever dynamic fucked everybody up, yes because I am the picture of mental health.
You know what I mean jellybean? My grandmother says that.
I wrote this in notepad-cut and paste-looks like shit.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I can't seem to get off this dark stairway
I sit in the dark at the bottom
I look up I see light
I rumage around on the floor feeling for things
I can't see but I know are always there for me
It's so easy to just sit here in the dark....
wondering about what's at the top of the stairs.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
The hole is ocean size
sometimes I try to fill it
sometimes I don't, I give in
a walking shiny meat suit am i
a puppet with no remorse
as baseline as i can be
often i can feel it as i try to climb out
to see it in it's entirety would be numbing
I try to dress it up and present it as art
It's not pretty, I'm not pretty.
fold it up and put it in my pocket.
say good night.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I don't know what's up, the weather,hardly drinking for a few weeks, I don't know, but I am so absolutely completely worked up like a teenager. Sunday I went to the mall to buy some levi's, I spent 38 minutes talking to a hot young sales girl, had to make myself walk away. Yesterday I went out with my hot friend, all we talked about the entire time was sex, we never talk about sex. I love the way she says cock. Today I spent an entire management class playing games with a totally hot woman in a sexy business suit. I want all kinds of sex in all kinds of places right fucking now! I am very awake and aware, maybe I'm not working enough. I love this and hate this equally. Awesome head in the shower this morning, didn't make a dent at all. Rambling, done.