re-post

Thursday, March 29, 2007
B151



It's a rolling panic, like the time before or the forever before, he no longer knows. I no longer know. Eye's open to an assault each time, colors, objects, nothing makes sense at first, panic soaring through my veins, pushing the blood to the side. I remember the song, I can't say it's my favorite song because it's the only one I know, but it is my whole world each time I awake.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

It's the only thing I know, the only thing I can circle around, my only goal when I am here is to remember the song and sing it till I fall asleep again. Each period of time is like an eternity. Would it be a day? Seems to long, like walking around the whole world in bare feet and every inch is made of broken glass, but you keep walking hoping some place to rest might magically appear if you just keep walking.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

Sometimes a splinter of a second things make sense, but it's to short to hold onto. Is this life or some sort of Hell? Would I know the difference if someone told me?

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't have a choice here, It just is. Is it a test? Is anybody else here?

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Sometimes I see a woman’s face, well parts of her face, never the whole face. When I see her eye I feel like I should feel some sort of comfort, but I don't. When I see her mouth, it's full of blood; I already feel the way it makes me feel.

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

Does anybody know I'm here? Is there anybody left? Have I left? I'd cry but, whats's the point? I don't know what the point of any of this is. If someone could just tell me, anybody. Good or bad, just tell me please.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

I like the ohhhh, ohhhh in the song, it's the only time I feel ok to scream a little. I keep hoping it will wake me from a nightmare I'm having some place nice. I would die if I knew how, I don't so I keep wandering through this jungle of panic and confusion. If this all I'm supposed to do, I don't want to be.

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs runs...
runs...

I don't want to be here.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

I don't want to be here.

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...


breathe

Eat to the Beat-side 1-track 1

I'm kneeling between her legs on the step below her, I'm alternately kissing the tears on her face and her soft mouth. Her eyes look pretty with tears in them, she looks beautiful in her heightened emotional state. I glance around at the old dying disheveled foyer of this building that must be condemned, the sun shines through a broken window and it all looks perfect, she looks perfect. I want nothing more at this moment than to kiss her and make her tear covered face smile.

And then the whole building and the girl starts sliding down a funnel, I'm reaching to grab her and all of it but the funnel is slick.....
"come on wake up, we have to got to the vet." A cup of coffee thrust in my hands as I sit up. I'm sad as the dream slips away piece by piece. Jennifer Garner played the girl, not usually in my top ten actress's I like to have in some way, but she was perfect, I can still feel her faintly on my lips. I sit outside with the dogs for a moment starting to wake, I think of every girl I've kissed and every girl I've entered and how in some way, even if only for the moment I have loved them all.

kill rinse repeat

Poking me repeatedly
thump thump thump
Waiting for you to miss and jab me in the neck
The redder your eyes get the dryer your face appears
cheeks like paper I could push my thumbs through
Hold your jaws closed your tongue still
You push and push
I could easily quiet you
Push you in the ground hold you there with my foot
While I kiss someone else
I walk you explode

nothing

the sun bleeding through my eye lids wakes me
i roll you around in my mouth to wake you
i open my mouth so you may stretch
i shuffle to the kitchen
you lay lazy across my tongue
hand gripping my lip
i hold you in my hand while I drink coffee
i think about eating you for breakfast
but i never do
you wonder what you will do today while i'm away
not knowing

MB

I love this women, I would let her punch me in the face.
Why do I say this? Because I don't believe she or anyone really ever loves me.
My GF says she loves me and I believe her, but I'm sure it could stop at any moment.
This is no way to live I'm starting to realize in my forty's. I say none of this as a poor me type of thing, just getting some perspective. I would settle for just a punch in the face though.

Thank you Dennis

RIP

4 april

boy told to be a man
boy did as he was told

always waiting
to be a boy again
a boy doing boy things
a man doing man things

later much later
the boy within his man eyes
looking at his white whiskers
realizing there is no more waiting
there is no time left for
boy things

boy has died a man

Blind as a bat today.

Got up and went to the bank, girl at the atm could have asked me for anything, I would have given it to her. I was driving by Burlingt@n Coat Factory, stoped to see if they had any good hoodys, holy fuck, everything had some kind of print or some kind of shit on it, awful shit.Then I went grocery shopping, much flirting to be had, wasn't really in the mood. Asked the girl in the dairy section where the Black eyed peas might be, on tour she said. Onion bagels, chive cream cheese, yeah baby! Yaki soba something noodles, hot sausage, Raviolis, green beans(dogs), Chili cheese Fritos(my crack), cole slaw, bag of cuties--good to go.The Smoothie place was next, infested with annoying women in work out outfits, best to ignore. Taking the girls out for a walk now. One more week before GF comes home, it's been a long month. Fuck forgot asprin!

can't be that hard

I've been trying to gain some perspective, I imagine this is coming from seeing a little light on the other side of a broken heart that's left me a little bare. I feel striped down, left for dead at the side of the road with no map.. Trying to view it logically it's not like a project I can scrap and start over, my soul I mean. If I stop feeding it the way I have can it be clean again? If I stop picking the scabs off will it heal shiny and glistening? My dreams have changed, I now long to live a very simple life, happy content, God what I would give to be content. I would love to think from A to B to C, but I'm not wired that way. All fragmentation gone, just one me, wouldn't that be lovely. I'm not stupid, I know the world is an ugly place but I see people who find the beauty in it, I want to be one of those people. Perspective, can you spare some?

dreaming on the inside

I can't seem to fix all the windows, every time I fix one, they come back and break another. Like zombies in a bad movie, never ending, except unlike zombies they wanna talk and taunt. It's not my ground floor apartment, it's my ex-wife's, she's not home. My worry in fixing the windows is her safety, I have guilt. Eventually she comes home and says," oh don't worry about it." She gets into bed and three of them bust through the window, I chase them out the window and between some buildings, a bat hits me in the mouth. My mouth is now full of blood and teeth and I make my way down the street in an amalgamation of every shit hole part of a city I've ever been in. I hold my ribs, one is broken sticking out, blood shining slick, black in the street lights, my father approaches. I'm uncomfortable, I don't want to talk to him, but the look on his face when he asks if he can help makes me feel bad and I give in. We go to a store front, it looks like an old lady's curio shop, we have to crawl in through a small window. He's embarrassed as we crawl through and explains that it's owned by an old Japanese woman and he's like the night security guard in exchange for sleeping there. Everything is pale pink and beige, I'm trying very hard to be careful and not get blood on anything, not to ruin the illusion of the decor. The embarrassment in my fathers voice as he rambles on is like a wall of sound I want to silence. I see a back door and walk towards it, as I reach for the handle it pops open and a woman is standing there,looks like Pam Grier, her hands hold my face as she gives me a long firm kiss and I can hear her voice in my head, " it's alright, it's alright."
I wake 4:51am, it all makes sense to me but I feel a little shaken. The dogs and I go outside and have a smoke. I need some soul floss.

GF's sometimes save U from yourself

I met a girl the other evening
lovely as lovely can be
dark dancing eyes
sexy as sexy can be
six feet in her heels
she made me laugh
as clever and funny as she was beautiful
instant chemistry, the kind that can kill you
with a smile on your face
she licked the tattoo on my forearm
then kissed my hand to say goodbye
I watched her walk away
tattoed in old letters btw her shoulder blades
...whore...
slayed was I

can't always fight it

my lip splitting

the taste of my own blood

the taste of your blood - my mouth

warm inviting

the violence of your touch

like a warm caress

I'm at home here

not always well adjusted

thats not how I was bred

my comfort zone

i wanna hold your hand

sick

At first it's like warm sweet sticky ice cream dripping down the side of your hand

so close you can smell her sweet breath

Her eyes unflinching as they look into yours

getting lost in the moment

Taking in the lovely skin that wraps around her face her throat

the neverending lovelyness of her black hair

it would feel like heaven brushing across your body

The small side to side movement of her bottom lip tells you to take a taste

and it all changes

Now it's like carnage against a back drop of a slow motion train wreck

bones breaking hearts breaking blood flowing staining

Changing the course of your life for one sweet kiss

one taste of new flesh

You've been here before, you know better

walk away

ignore the biting of the pouty bottom lip as you walk away

just walk away

she knows not what she asks

I know what I do

manpon

My girl pushes, I agree.
I avoid myself in the mirror as I shave.
I dress cool but I don't feel cool.
I go there so others can see me and talk about my art, feels like a joke.
I trust my girl, so I pretend to be interested, another time I might be.
The Viper catches me alone as she does, "I want you to fuck me like my mommy doesn't love me." she whispers in my ear. I walk away, I begin to think this is why she keeps trying to get my attention. She's a vampire, hate her.
I don't want to talk anymore, but the vodka helps a little.
I want to go home and hang out with the dogs, we leave, I smile for a moment.

life of the party

I didn't see it coming, it snuck up behind me and filled me full of black, life sucking, dull razor blade filled slimy bad. I haven't felt this way in years, I'm walking through it, I have a lot of experience taking this walk, but I'm having trouble getting to the other side. Wide open yet completely shut down. Satan herself came for the holidays (minus her meds) and reminded me from where my gene pool originates, hired killers, sadists, perverts of the worst kind, just all out chaotically insane people who know nothing more than how to shred souls. Although I should be happy this has ended with me, if I'm not in the right frame of mind when I'm reminded of this, I sink. The only thing keeping me from inhaling the black mass is that I know this to shall pass and I will be better for it on the other side. I'm paralyzed inside as I walk, as I interact with others, as I wake. I'm withering away in my cathedral of hate,sadness, pity, and doubt, I hate myself. It's at these times meds seem like a good idea but I really don't like the idea, as much as I am filled with this immense self loathing and need a break, I don't want to loose any tiny part of the good. I don't know, but I'm shure it will come to me it always does.