re-post

Thursday, March 29, 2007
B151



It's a rolling panic, like the time before or the forever before, he no longer knows. I no longer know. Eye's open to an assault each time, colors, objects, nothing makes sense at first, panic soaring through my veins, pushing the blood to the side. I remember the song, I can't say it's my favorite song because it's the only one I know, but it is my whole world each time I awake.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

It's the only thing I know, the only thing I can circle around, my only goal when I am here is to remember the song and sing it till I fall asleep again. Each period of time is like an eternity. Would it be a day? Seems to long, like walking around the whole world in bare feet and every inch is made of broken glass, but you keep walking hoping some place to rest might magically appear if you just keep walking.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

Sometimes a splinter of a second things make sense, but it's to short to hold onto. Is this life or some sort of Hell? Would I know the difference if someone told me?

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't have a choice here, It just is. Is it a test? Is anybody else here?

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Sometimes I see a woman’s face, well parts of her face, never the whole face. When I see her eye I feel like I should feel some sort of comfort, but I don't. When I see her mouth, it's full of blood; I already feel the way it makes me feel.

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

Does anybody know I'm here? Is there anybody left? Have I left? I'd cry but, whats's the point? I don't know what the point of any of this is. If someone could just tell me, anybody. Good or bad, just tell me please.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

I like the ohhhh, ohhhh in the song, it's the only time I feel ok to scream a little. I keep hoping it will wake me from a nightmare I'm having some place nice. I would die if I knew how, I don't so I keep wandering through this jungle of panic and confusion. If this all I'm supposed to do, I don't want to be.

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs runs...
runs...

I don't want to be here.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

I don't want to be here.

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...


breathe