re-post

Thursday, March 29, 2007
B151



It's a rolling panic, like the time before or the forever before, he no longer knows. I no longer know. Eye's open to an assault each time, colors, objects, nothing makes sense at first, panic soaring through my veins, pushing the blood to the side. I remember the song, I can't say it's my favorite song because it's the only one I know, but it is my whole world each time I awake.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

It's the only thing I know, the only thing I can circle around, my only goal when I am here is to remember the song and sing it till I fall asleep again. Each period of time is like an eternity. Would it be a day? Seems to long, like walking around the whole world in bare feet and every inch is made of broken glass, but you keep walking hoping some place to rest might magically appear if you just keep walking.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

Sometimes a splinter of a second things make sense, but it's to short to hold onto. Is this life or some sort of Hell? Would I know the difference if someone told me?

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't have a choice here, It just is. Is it a test? Is anybody else here?

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Sometimes I see a woman’s face, well parts of her face, never the whole face. When I see her eye I feel like I should feel some sort of comfort, but I don't. When I see her mouth, it's full of blood; I already feel the way it makes me feel.

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

Does anybody know I'm here? Is there anybody left? Have I left? I'd cry but, whats's the point? I don't know what the point of any of this is. If someone could just tell me, anybody. Good or bad, just tell me please.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

I like the ohhhh, ohhhh in the song, it's the only time I feel ok to scream a little. I keep hoping it will wake me from a nightmare I'm having some place nice. I would die if I knew how, I don't so I keep wandering through this jungle of panic and confusion. If this all I'm supposed to do, I don't want to be.

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs runs...
runs...

I don't want to be here.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

I don't want to be here.

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...


breathe

Eat to the Beat-side 1-track 1

I'm kneeling between her legs on the step below her, I'm alternately kissing the tears on her face and her soft mouth. Her eyes look pretty with tears in them, she looks beautiful in her heightened emotional state. I glance around at the old dying disheveled foyer of this building that must be condemned, the sun shines through a broken window and it all looks perfect, she looks perfect. I want nothing more at this moment than to kiss her and make her tear covered face smile.

And then the whole building and the girl starts sliding down a funnel, I'm reaching to grab her and all of it but the funnel is slick.....
"come on wake up, we have to got to the vet." A cup of coffee thrust in my hands as I sit up. I'm sad as the dream slips away piece by piece. Jennifer Garner played the girl, not usually in my top ten actress's I like to have in some way, but she was perfect, I can still feel her faintly on my lips. I sit outside with the dogs for a moment starting to wake, I think of every girl I've kissed and every girl I've entered and how in some way, even if only for the moment I have loved them all.

kill rinse repeat

Poking me repeatedly
thump thump thump
Waiting for you to miss and jab me in the neck
The redder your eyes get the dryer your face appears
cheeks like paper I could push my thumbs through
Hold your jaws closed your tongue still
You push and push
I could easily quiet you
Push you in the ground hold you there with my foot
While I kiss someone else
I walk you explode

nothing

the sun bleeding through my eye lids wakes me
i roll you around in my mouth to wake you
i open my mouth so you may stretch
i shuffle to the kitchen
you lay lazy across my tongue
hand gripping my lip
i hold you in my hand while I drink coffee
i think about eating you for breakfast
but i never do
you wonder what you will do today while i'm away
not knowing

MB

I love this women, I would let her punch me in the face.
Why do I say this? Because I don't believe she or anyone really ever loves me.
My GF says she loves me and I believe her, but I'm sure it could stop at any moment.
This is no way to live I'm starting to realize in my forty's. I say none of this as a poor me type of thing, just getting some perspective. I would settle for just a punch in the face though.

Thank you Dennis

RIP

4 april

boy told to be a man
boy did as he was told

always waiting
to be a boy again
a boy doing boy things
a man doing man things

later much later
the boy within his man eyes
looking at his white whiskers
realizing there is no more waiting
there is no time left for
boy things

boy has died a man